Night Of The Dressmaker

Just when you thought I couldn't find something else to be tortured about... I have been tired of making my flower pin apron for quite a while now. I've been making it steadily for three years. Lots of them. Sometimes I feel like I've made so many of them I don't understand how come I'm not richer than I am. I really like my Peace Apron but I've been longing for something a little different. Because of my booth and my low inventory of cute women's bib aprons (I have really great cocktail aprons made by my very talented friend Chelsea!) I need to make some more. I wasn't in a mood to cut out Peace aprons and besides, the Peace Aprons only look good with limited fabric combinations. I want, oh...what is it I've been looking for in an apron?

It has to be a design that will look pretty good on a large variety of figures. I always drape on Headless Helen who is approximately a size 16. This isn't a style that I would look good in right now. The majority of women need to look good in it; not every single person. No dressmaker is capable of that. Anyway, it basically came down to: make a new pattern right now or cut out more flower aprons.

So I started draping. This is not a fast process. Even when you have something specific in mind (which I didn't exactly) it takes a lot of playing around with how the fabric is working around the curves of a three dimensional form. The reason most fashion designers like to work with flat chested skinny shapeless chicks is because they're LAZY ASSES. That's right, it's easy to drape and draft over a hipless, buttless, breastless sack of bones. To drape or draft over uncooperative curves? Not so easy.

Do you know why even the larger sizes of most clothes don't fit the curvy figure? Because they were draped or drafted on the sample size which is generally a size six or smaller. Grading patterns (making them bigger) preserves scale, so if the garment was drafted for a woman with no breasts- when it's enlarged it will still be drafted for a woman with no breasts. You know something I've observed about larger women? Even if you didn't have a whole lotta boob before you became a larger lady (me) you will have a lot more of them afterwards.

So I stayed up late draping, snipping, pinning, and shaping. I'm not sure how it will work in real fabric until I take down the muslin, trace all the pieces onto dot paper, true the lines, add seam allowance, and then sew up a sample in muslin. That's when you find out all the problems with your garment. Then you go back to the drafting table and you make corrections, then make a new improved copy of the pattern, and make a new sample but this time in real fabric.

It's a process I really enjoy. The problem is my general lack of time and there's always the risk that you'll get to the sample in real fabric and find that the design itself is infelicitous. By this time you have already invested many hours into the design. So it can be tedious too.

I have high hopes for this design. I want it to have a slight dirndl effect. I also wanted it to be a fairly full coverage apron. My charming flower detail apron does not offer particularly full coverage.

I got to bed quite late. I've been doing that quite a lot lately and it's not so good for me. But this working part time away from home is really messing with me. I can't get anything done. Ever. I remember this is how it was before I stayed home to be a housewife and it sucked. Now is the time for my million dollar book deal or for a rotted dinosaur to be discovered on my property. This working away from home thing is not a good life for me.

How do people take care of themselves when they're always on the run? They don't. Also, now that I am working right through lunch time I have had to resort to buying sandwiches at the health food store which include no local ingredients. Not only that, they raised their prices so that now my sandwich costs six dollars and I have to say that it's a pretty mediocre sandwich and that's a lot of money to a person who doesn't have much. So I am going to have to bring something but there's no microwave so it has to be something I can eat cold. Sandwiches from home aren't a great choice because there's not much to put in them. I planned on making a potato salad last night but as you can see I got sidetracked.

Here's a vote update: Right now the number one choice is Coffee Liqueur, the number two choice is Spice Blends and Rubs, and the third choice is a tie between Custom tea Blends and the Farmer's Market Tote. But there's still three days to vote so if you haven't already voted go visit the Food Related Gifts post and be entered to win one of the gifts I make.


I cannot believe it's already time for me to be getting ready to go to work.

(Is there a way to Feng Shui my person to attract good fortune? You know how you are supposed to put some red somewhere in a corner of your house or something like that? Can it work on your actual person? Does wearing red attract wealth or just angry bulls?)

A rare glimpse of a reclusive author
(aka: America's next top-ish model)

I am a woman of my word. As promised: me wearing what I would wear if I was cute enough to get away with it. By which I mean ever so slightly less ample. (Mom, I am being honest here, NOT MEAN) So I fearlessly donned the outfit I had previously put on BBQ Sue. It occurs to me, seeing us stylish gals standing next to each other that if I gave her a quarter of my size we would both be rather perfect. She doesn't know it (because she's a mannequin, duh!) but she's very unsatisfied with herself.

Seriously, I'd wear an ensemble like this, not only every day, but everywhere. As in: out in public. I was sartorially fearless before I achieved my current form. I would like to tell you that looking at these pictures fills me with the pride and roar of large lady solidarity and a new-found determination to wear whatever the hell I want regardless of how it looks on me. That would be very noble and prideful, but I'm not feelin' it ladies.

However, I do kind of look like a kick-ass Polish farm gal. I also remind myself of the grandma in "The Secret Of Roan Innish" which isn't bad at all because I thought she looked great. But what am I in the context of 30's and 40's films? I am the brash lush-figured woman in the farm-house where the heroin has crash landed her plane in the Midwest and I stuff her with potato pancakes with sour cream because she is wasting away with useless frailty. I rub my large floury fists on my calico apron and talk in a really thick, totally FAKE, Polish accent.

Then in a fit of fiery jealous rage at never having made it on the Broadway stage I strangle the life out of this delicate flower of a female that has fallen from the skies into my little corner of rotten earth where there is no one to hear her cries for miles around...

Just kidding.

So while I'm at it I may as well put on my favorite apron in the whole world that I am going to wear the next time I serve a nice dinner at my house. My friend Chelsea made this apron and I still owe her some money for it. I haven't worn it yet because it isn't the most flattering for my figure (also because I haven't paid for it yet). On the other hand, fuck it!

By the way, Bitter Betty: no cookies were consumed yesterday. I was also pretty mellow at the baby shower and only ate a very few chips and mostly just chowed down the fresh strawberries sans the marshmallow/sour cream sauce. Now, if only I could get some exercise today. How perfect it would be! You and your awesome figure (which I admire in a totally non-lecherous way) are inspiring me.

Oh yeah, I wore a new shirt the day before yesterday that actually made me look pregnant. Seriously. NOT KIDDING. (Also not saying this to be mean. Philip will attest to the truth of this.) Now, I definitely think that the pregnant look is really warm and fuzzy when you're carrying an actual baby in your womb. Really, I think pregnancy is charming. But there is something so deflating about people thinking your pregnant when you're not. I also find it really uncomfortable being the person who brings shame on hapless strangers who congratulate me and then get the glacial response "Thanks. We're so excited to be giving birth to beer."

So I've been thinking about making a couple of garments that have a banner sewn on that reads "NOT PREGNANT" on it. Informative don't you think? I will do it to amuse myself. Plus, then I will be free to wear garments that might make me look "natal" without having to worry about misunderstandings out in the world. What do you think? If one can wear clothes with huge logos on them that pretty much scream out "I am an ass!", then why not?

This brings our little fashion-for-the-deranged segment to a close. Enjoy your Sunday!


Note: no fake people were harmed in the filming of this episode.