Think in pink
Plus, a little celebrity conversation

This is the irresistible pre-spring nature show. There are some people out there (no judgment here) who are unmoved by blossoming Japanese plums. I'm pretty sure that until there is a lego version of flowering plums with hidden weapons in the branches, my kid will remain unimpressed. I find them just amazing. I'm not even a real devoted pink fan, but, I mean, look at em'!

As much as I love these grounded pink clouds, I will not plant any in my own yard because these are ornamental and my true passion is for fruiting trees. Speaking of those, I will have to get a shot of my cherry tree budding up. The buds are just beginning to split open showing pink blossoms. My blueberries are beginning to leaf out too. Except for the couple that don't look so good.

My mom is, in my opinion, largely responsible for having instilled in me a great passion for growing things. As I mentioned in my last post, this passion was latent until I had my very own playground in which to find out how fantastic it is to grow my own flowers and fruit. My mom is at a point in her own life where gardening is no longer a priority. She has much darker concerns right now. Still, yesterday morning she and I got feverish talking about building green houses, and raised beds. She can't help herself, this time of year rolls around and even though she is not tending a garden at this moment, she's eager to help me realize my garden ambitions.

Which will be tricky this year as there is such a constraint on my time. However, what if I bust my butt in the shop to complete a bunch of things I must complete, and carve out a couple of days? Truth be told, there are at least two or three weeks worth of chores to attend out there. I want to muck around. I want to clean up. To weed. To prune. To put in time amongst my roses. To plant new ones.

This isn't so much of a hobby as it is a necessity. I'll squeeze it in there somehow.

Most people who know me know that I am unashamed to say that I really enjoy reading the smut mags. I don't feel that it says anything about my intelligence to admit this. Since human behavior is pretty much the most interesting thing on earth it should not be surprising at all that I like to know how other people live. What could be more fascinating than finding out how people with more money than sense live?*

There are some things I wish to say after having read the most recent rash of dirt rags:

There are a number of celebrities that these magazines are constantly referring to as "trend setters", "style icons", and "always fashionable".

I would like to interject here that Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are not style icons. In fact, few celebrities have managed to look as consistently skanky. Sorry girls, you look like thirteen year olds who just discovered make up and Grandma's furs for the first time. Most of us have been there, Lord knows I went through a very painful stage of wearing all pink and blue eyeshadow, but I did eventually grow out of it. These two gals look like shrunken caricatures of rich girls with no sense of style at all and droopy shoulders.

Chloe Sevigny is another celebrity more known for her "fashion forward" wardrobe than for her acting. Good god, there are few people in the public eye more capable of reminding me of all the worst fashions of the past. Who pays these reporters to say that she is always fashionable? I want to hit them with big soggy pickles for saying such total trash. Plus, she always looks so bored. Which makes me want to smack her with a big soggy pickle too. (I really appreciate the website "Go Fug Yourself" for the things they have to say about Chloe. Though now the two creators of this blog are writing for one of the smut magazines and have suddenly become mysteriously unfunny. Such a waste.

I have just been reading all about the Oscar parties and something weird has come to my attention: that all the celebrities who attend the Oscars and the following parties get to take away with them really expensive "goodie" bags full of treasures. I think it's really creepy actually. Here are people, most of whom can afford anything on earth they want besides Buckingham Palace, and they are being given bags full of products that the rest of us will probably never be able to afford.

It's that whole concept that when you don't need a bank loan, the banks will jump hoops to give you one. The celebrities are being rewarded for being famous and making more than is really necessary for any human being to make while the people who made that fame and fortune possible, the people who ultimately bank roll their riches (us poor slobs who go to their movies and watch them on television) are working our asses off to barely be able to afford to buy Paris Hilton's cat-piss perfume.**

If I was a very rich person, I would feel really weird about taking expensive gifts whose purpose is really to woo me into endorsing their various products. Actually, I'm not a rich person at all and I already feel really uncomfortable when anyone tries to give me anything for free. Seriously. But here's where my feelings get complicated; my business is barely off the ground and if a celebrity were to be seen wearing one of my aprons I would be launched. It's exactly the same thing if I court them by sending them free stuff hoping they will be seen using/wearing it. Which is something I have been thinking of doing. But it's so gross. It's gross that celebrities take these goodie bags, free designer clothes, and free products. It's gross that companies go to such lengths to court them. Sycophants, everyone.

Apparently me included.

It's very hard for me to have sympathy for celebrities being hounded by the press when I know they are taking part in the big cycle of fame prostitution. That they are being rewarded to be seen at events by being given bags full of products worth $8,000 or more.

I would have a lot more respect for them all if celebrities, instead of taking all this free loot for themselves, auctioned it all off as it came to them and donated the proceeds to their favorite charitable causes.

Well, I must be off to work because, unfortunately I am neither thin enough or famous enough to be living off the fat of my past deeds.

*Yes, yes, I know. How judgy of me. How can I possibly know this? And what if Brittney is reading my blog? If she was, I think I'd be making a living with my blog by now.

**I lie not. It smells exactly like tom cat spray.

How can this be? I drank no beer yesterday, I got exercise, and today I am fatter? Plus: no beer is now synonymous with BAD DREAMS in which I am flunking lots of classes I didn't even know I was taking.

New clothes from old patterns

(or: how to have brand new/old wardrobe)

A long time ago I fell in love with vintage patterns because what they represent is the chance to create completely authentic vintage clothes, but out of any material you want. In essence, they are little fashion time capsules. While being protected and cared for, we can always see for ourselves how a particular style was really cut, how silhouettes were achieved with darts and slashes.

I started to collect them in earnest. If I had unlimited funds, I would have an entire room of them. However, I don't, and haven't ever had unlimited funds. So my collection is limited in size. I have gotten many of them for cheap. But there are some that I have paid a lot of money to get my hands on because they were so delicious and so particularly what I would have chosen to wear had I been alive when these styles were in. And would like to wear right now.

My special emphasis is on thirties and forties patterns. Lingerie and slack suits have been my favorites because I think the lingerie of these periods is truly sexy. Without splitting crotches, they managed to make lingerie that was all at once lady like, but also so completely flattering to the female curvaceous form and sexy that if I was a lesbian, I would also be a lecher.

The pant suits (which I have not posted a picture of for some mysterious reason) I collect because no one cuts pants like they did in the thirties and forties. That's the fit that is most flattering on women with curves of any kind. The kind that Katherine Hepburn and Marlene Dietrich wore. Not these low waisted tight numbers that give every woman a muffin top waist, and that squeeze their butts flat. (Sorry if you like these kind of pants, most women do, so go forth and wear them with pride. Mine is one opinion, amongst the masses of people, who thinks women bulging out of sausage casings is unattractive. Don't worry, everyone else thinks your stomach oozing over the top of your tight pants is quite sexy!)

I also collect a lot of vintage apron patterns. Which is no surprise. I have tried to justify this collection over the years. I have thought that I will copy them all and sell the copies. I have thought that I would make them all for myself to wear. (I have actually made a few of my patterns up). These patterns you see here are all the ones that I have culled for Bitter Betty to possibly use in her Vintage Wardrobe Project. A few of them I have decided to give to her if she wants them, a few of them I cannot part with even though I will never fit in these sizes again, though I thought maybe she could copy them if she likes. (We'll talk BB!)

I have only collected sizes 18 and up. Believe it or not, size 18 in the thirties and forties was the average size. Usually it has a corresponding bust measurement of 36, waist of 30 or 32 inches, and a hip measurement of 39 inches. This is not a plus size, not even for today. That's a figure I will never again achieve in my life unless I become very sick, which I'd prefer to avoid. It's not stick thin either. In my opinion, this is a rather ideal size. Curvy, but not large, svelte, but not skinny.

What I'm personally aiming for is to fit a vintage size 20 which is plumper, while still being a very pleasing shape. I could certainly become a vintage size 20 again. With lots of work. Bitter Betty has got me inspired. If I was being my true self, in terms of my wardrobe, I would be wearing the styles you see above, mixed with modern garments too. I cannot fit into any size pattern I own, and that's depressing. So Betty's Vintage Wardrobe Project is inspiring me to get a little more serious about making some progress.

Plus, she's so freaking cute it kills me. Who wouldn't want to be that charismatic and lovely? (I'm talking about Bitter Betty, in case that wasn't clear.)

Since I won't be able to wear anything I might make myself for a while, I did think it would be great to fit some garments on my dress form that I can wear later if I reach my goal. If I never reach my goal? I'm not ready to admit that's a possibility. Since I started such a similar project for myself years ago, I can't possibly not take part in this project, it's so absolutely perfect, exciting, and to be able to do this along side like-minded creative people? No way am I missing out just because I'm fat right now. So I think I'll start making some garments and perhaps that will inspire me to cut the pounds away. Knowing that when I reach my goal I will have a whole cool wardrobe to slip into. Oh my. Yep, I'm excited.

Here's our new signage! It looks so great!!! (Mind if I use a few more exclamation points?) Frank Pons is the guy who made it happen. His company is called Ampersand Sign Workx. Don't tell me about the window display though. Once again, the idea was pretty cool in the old noggin, and when put in the window did not come together. Want to know why? Because I didn't start with a color story. RULE #1: START WITH A COLOR STORY.

Plus I think the Easter buckets will look nicer when I get the candy order in and can do them up properly in cellophane and ribbons.

I do like this window though. It's very simple. All it needs now is the Easter Bonnet decorating class poster. Which Philip still has to make. Today. Yesterday. Last week. Everything keeps getting in the way.

Incidentally, I just want to say: poor Brittney. It was always obvious that she had no class, but I feel so bad for her. It must suck to go through tough times in the public eye.

And also: is there anyone who ISN'T Anna Nicole Smith's baby's father besides me? And what's up with Zsa Zsa's husband making paternity claims and Zsa Zsa still being married to the stupid man? I feel so sorry for that baby. Oh poor wee one. What a way to begin life. Someday she will see all this coverage and know some things about her mother that maybe she won't enjoy finding out. And she'll know that Zsa Zsa's husband claimed he might be the father. And wait a minute....why the hell did he do that anyway? Does he want the orphaned little schnitzel?

I am really feeling bad for the children of celebrities lately. They are going to be the future personalities found with heroine possession and ODing outside trendy Los Angeles clubs. Or keeping zoo animals on giant estates and slowly go mad in front of the whole world. I'm pretty glad I was born amongst ordinary drug taking commune living mortals. That's starting to seem about five hundred times more wholesome than being born into the den of unreality amongst the fabulously rich and famous.

You know what terrifies me the most? That Paris Hilton is going to join the celebrity-baby-crazy-band-wagon and start pumping out the offspring with her many beaus. Because that's what you do when you love someone for a whole week, you celebrate that love by having a cute little living token of your deep attachment. You can always just ditch them onto a nanny when you get tired of parenting. Still, people will liken you to the Virgin Mary with that halo of virtuousness and that maternal glow you will carry now that you have offspring to show off.

HELLO. Back to reality here.

I'm off to get stuff done. I worked late at the store last night perfecting my apron pattern and cutting one out that I need to sew. I've got lots of late nights ahead of me. If I am going to lose weight, I need to have food on hand to bring with me so I don't have to buy food at the health food store which is actually all rather fattening and not that great anyway. The last time I had to work late for a couple of weeks, I put on pounds. I must find a way to prevent this from happening again. So have a lovely day everyone!