How To Give A Perfect Cocktail Party

Use persuasive signage to draw people in from the street.

The language should be fresh and have a sense of imperative.

If it has a charming element of child-like innocence, even better!

(Translation of text: Come in now!)

The novelty of such raw new language will make everyone want a drink instantly.
(Translation of text: Are you gonna come in or not?)

Everyone knows that repetition really gets a point across.

Post a child at your thresh hold to lure women in. Women always fall for the dubious charms of rowdy sugared-up sassy loud boy children.

See how well these methods work? You can barely move around in there it's so full of people. In fact, it's so full you can barely see anything at all which is why it appears to be empty.

But it's not! See, there's my mom, Philip, and our friend Jim.

Jim and his wife Ericka just moved to McMinnville in December. He's one of those people who will help you move heavy furniture before you've even exchanged names. We know this because when we were moving into this location Jim saw us moving and since he didn't have anything else to do he offered to help. I didn't know there were people like that around. So it's only fitting that he would happen to be passing by last night and have the time to let us ply him with vodka tonics. It was great having a chance to get to know him better which having the store has made difficult. We've had no time to cultivate new friendships.

I found out that Jim and Ericka like to can food!! One of Jim's passions, besides doing fine woodwork, is cooking. So you see, we have to get to know them better. Plus, they have a garden going with lots of fresh herbs and flowers, and vegetables. And they love beer.

Plus-Jim's a Capricorn like me.

Dominique and Stephen* also came by to enjoy the "party" which I would now call a gathering of friends rather than a party. I'm not going to be all coy and say I was disappointed that no one from our mailing list came to drink with us, because I've already told you how much I hate parties. It ended up actually being quite nice.

Although, truth be told, there was a brief few minutes where it got roaring load with just us and I started getting panicky and wanting to turn the music off or have us all not talk for a minute.

We did get a few walk-ins. We got this funny couple from Vegas who loved our shop and especially wanted Chelsea's mini dress forms that I won't sell, and a super cute couple from Portland who had bicycled down for a couple of days. Damn, they were cute in that way that I wish I could have put them in amber to preserve them for all time. If they read this they will be forever creeped out and avoid ever coming in contact with us again. But I mean it in a good way. They were charming and the girl had the cutest outfit on and a headscarf, and...and...I wish I could rewind my life a little and preserve my own spot in that amber. I guess that's what photographs are for.

I think I'm going to have to put an ad in the classifieds and on Craig's list to unload the extraneous things in our shop.

I also think this is a sign that we don't have the magic retail touch. If Found Objects had a party and a big sale they would be swamped. Nancy and John know how to promote themselves and they have what it takes to get it done. We don't. We don't have retail magnetism. This doesn't make me feel bad about myself. Why should it? We aren't retailers; Philip is an artist, I am a writer and designer.

What's coming next is going to be better. A whole season of canning and gardening and writing and designing. Getting my house in order and charmed up at last. (Unless Philip doesn't find enough work and we have to sell it. I don't really want to think about that, though.) A whole lifetime of having my week-ends back. (Unless I have to get that job at JoAnne's. But I don't want to think about that either.) A whole lot more time to concentrate on getting my body and health back.

Life is about to open up again. That's always a good thing.

*Stephen is also a Capricorn but is still coming to terms with the fact that this means he has to be like a brother to me. He want to deny the kinship. I will prevail!

Panic Rising

So we're having a "huge" cocktail party at the store on Friday. I put "huge" in quotations because, honestly, I have no idea who will come, how many will come, and all I can hear in my head is this question:

What the mother lovin' hell have I done?

I hate parties. The bigger they are the more I hate 'em. Having to make small talk with more than two people I don't know in one evening is just enough to make me want to crawl out of my own skin. If you've ever seen me in action at such an event, you will surely be dying to say "But Angelina, you seemed totally comfortable and were talking to everyone. I can't believe it's as bad as you say." That is the single most frustrating thing about normal people, they assume that everyone wears their discomfort on their sleeves. I have spent a life time trying to blend with the crowd and not seem completely batty. I've gotten very good at it.

Seriously. I'm very good at making you believe that I am totally comfortable when what I really want to do is pull out my arm hairs one by one*. Some might call that a very fine ability to lie. I call it a well honed ability to appear completely at ease so others aren't made uncomfortable by my discomfort. It is very self serving as making other people uncomfortable just makes me feel more like an outcast.

Here's a really fine example of my small talk skill: I'm sitting with a married couple I have just met an hour ago and I ask "So, how long have you guys been married?" They've been married for twenty years. So I say "Wow, That's awesome!" Pause, while a worrisome thought occurs to me which I spew out "Hey, you aren't about to get a divorce or anything, are you?"

Exactly one hour into meeting them and I'm already asking them something considered by most standards to be off the charts personal. Right above "So, have you gotten a boob job recently?".

That's what happens when I'm actually comfortable socially. I spew stuff. Random stuff. Chilling thoughts. All kinds of dark alleyways in my conversations open up and suck us into party-worthy discussions such as "How do we define ourselves sexually and at what point are your sexual practices a matter for public concern?"

When I'm uncomfortable I tend to seem like a breezy person capable of inhaling an entire bowl of chips while I pretend I'm in my element. Snacking helps ease the burden of being sociable. Another indication of my true state of mind is in my hem twisting.

Never heard of hem twisting? I'm sure tons of other people do this too, right? RIGHT?

I twist the hems of my shirts around my fingers quite often. Really hard, so that my shirt hem becomes a finger tourniquet. The more uncomfortable or anxious I am the more constantly I twist my hem around my fingers. I often don't know I'm doing it. If anyone else has ever observed this habit, they've been kind enough not to point it out. I work really hard every single day of my life to control this compulsive habit. It bothers me that I do it but I've been doing it since I was a kid and it hurts my head to not do it when I have the urge to do it. Which is most of the time.

So we're having a cocktail party on Friday and I don't want to come to it. Can I bail on my own cocktail party? I only decided to do it because it's what most people would expect. Some big send off with a big sale. It's what at least five different people asked if I was going to do before we decided to do it.

Isn't there a back door in my life that I can just slip out of quietly?

There's a really long list riding on my shoulder too. I'm doing my best to ignore it but it keeps throwing peanut shells at my head.



*This will especially impress anyone who's seen my arm hairs which are plentiful and long.