The practical guide to parental martyrdom
mar-tyr n. 1. a person who willingly suffers death rather than renounce his or her religion. 2. a person who is put to death or endures great suffering on behalf of any belief, principle, or cause: a martyr to the cause of social justice. 3. a person who undergoes severe or constant suffering: a martyr to severe headaches. 4. a person who seeks sympathy or attention by feigning or exaggerating pain, deprivation, etc. 4.5 a parent who believes that personal suffering and deprivation grows better children.*Becoming a parental martyr to anything is a very serious step to take in life and may result in great suffering or even death. So I think it's important to learn to recognize if you are on the path to becoming one. If you are, you should be aware of the risks and assess for yourself whether or not you really wish to continue down this very thorny dangerous path.
Test number one- here are some indications that you may be suffering from a parental martyr complex:
- Frequent use of any of these words in conversations: suffer, sacrifice, deprived, selfless.
- You are currently nailed to a cross.
- You don't do anything in your life that isn't specifically for your children, but sigh a lot when you think about some of the things you miss doing.
- You have sworn to give up all personal growth until your children have left the nest.
- Whenever your children are hurt or imagine they're hurt you see yourself as a modern Florence Nightingale and rush to their sides in a huge cloud of noble purpose and sit by the side of the crib in crisp white togs day and night to watch over the scratch they got from the bush in the garden. (If this is you, you may have missed your true calling as a nurse.)
- Gnash your teeth in outrage when you see any other parent commit an act of parental sin by relaxing for even a moment while on parental duty, which as all parents know is EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY.
- Secretly enjoy the fact that parenthood is really hard and makes you want to drink battery acid occasionally, because if you're suffering then you feel sure you're doing a righteous job.
- Have given up personal hygiene because your babies cry when you leave them for five minutes and you would never do anything that makes your children suffer, because that would take the spotlight off of your own very important suffering.
If you are still unsure if you are a parental martyr, here are a couple of situations you have likely already found yourself in. There are two responses given to the situation; the first is how a parental martyr would react, and the second is how a balanced parent would approach the same situation:
You are standing around with a friend in their front yard having a great conversation while your children are duelling each other with sharp bare branches, suddenly your kid comes up and interrupts your conversation with this imperial demand: "Mommy, we need to go NOW. I hate Emma. She's a stupid head."
The parental martyr: Abruptly ends the pleasant adult conversation saying to her/his child "OK Kaylie, we'll leave right now." Looks at friend with big sigh and pained expression saying "Well, we better go now. Sorry to dash off, but you know how kids are..."
The normal parent: Turns to child with annoyance and says "First of all, you are interrupting a conversation, which is rude, Kaylie. Second of all, that's a mean thing to say about your friend and we aren't going to leave until you tell your friend you're sorry. Now I'm going to finish talking with my friend and we'll leave in a few minutes when I'm ready and you've apologized. Or in five hours if I feel like it."
See the difference there? The parental martyr believes that the child's demands, no matter how unreasonable, come first because parenting is a sacred duty and it would be wrong to continue an enjoyable conversation with a friend while your child is unhappy, even if they're unhappy spoiled little despots who are mean to other kids because those kids don't worship them as much as mom and dad do. Now, if being a martyr is what you want then you are going to really enjoy how this will snowball on you. Every time you give your child power over your own needs, they will take more, and more, and in the end you will have plenty of suffering to complain about.
You are standing in a neighbor's front yard with several other neighbors and all of your children are romping safely and happily around together shrieking and making glorious mayhem. The neighbor opens up a couple of bottles of wine to share with all the grown ups who are standing around together ignoring the kids and enjoying each other's company and everyone takes a glass.
Except you, if you are a parental martyr. Instead, you shake your head disapprovingly and say "Some one's got to be responsible" Not only that, (because that isn't enough sacrifice for a martyr), you hover around the children the whole two hours everyone hangs out. You never let them out of your sight because something vague and horrible could happen at any moment. Plus you vowed as a responsible parent not to let your child out of your sight for a single second until they turn eighteen and you are pried from their sides as they rip your heart out to leave for college. And freedom.
If you are a pretty normal parent who likes wine (or beer) you will accept a glass and join in with the adults and assume that if you are needed by your child you will know by the blood curdling screams coming from the uppermost branch of the giant oak tree. You will trust that one glass of wine will neither impair your ability to respond to bloody emergencies nor impair your ability to call an ambulance if you don't feel you are in a condition to drive. Which if you only had one drink is not an issue.
See the difference? Now, not everyone likes alcohol. Does it make you a martyr to remain sober because you never drink anyway? Don't be ridiculous. Of course not. So go grab yourself a festive nonalcoholic beverage from your own house and don't make any comments about "responsibility" to the other parents. They won't admire your unswerving dedication to parenthood, they'll resent you for reminding them that they haven't had a proper break in fourteen hours and your implication that they are falling down on the job may make them want to throttle you.
Everyone knows that when you have children your life changes. In the natural healthy order of things you will put your children first when it comes to safety, food, shelter, and health. Unless you're a sociopath. You will also probably find yourself doing things (happily) that you wouldn't have been caught dead doing before you had kids, like making inanimate objects talk in weird voices in public for the amusement of your child. No one, I think, will deny that part of the wonderfulness of family life is spending lots of time around your children.
However, at some point in your family adventure you will have to decide who is boss in your house besides your cat. If you let your kids make all your decisions for you, such as how often you get to have grown-up type fun, then you are probably raising the next Napoleon, and believe me, no one's going to thank you for that besides the next Josephine.
Here are a few basic tips on how to avoid parental martyrdom if you prefer not to endure perpetual severe suffering:
1. Once you've met all of your child's basic needs, it is important to get on with life. Run the errands you need to run whether or not your children will enjoy it. Your children aren't your only responsibilities as an adult and you need to show them that going to the grocery store and shopping for a new lawn mower are all a part of life and they will have to come with you whether or not they think it's fun. Your children need to be put second often enough to know that when they leave your nest no one, absolutely no one will ever put them first again. They should know how to deal with that.
2. As so many people like to point out, parents are role models for their children. So when you have had a cranky child on your hip all morning and avoided getting in the shower in spite of the fact that you now have a slight odor because you know your child will cry if you leave him/her for five or ten minutes (which would make you a bad mother), ask yourself this: do you think it's important for your child to bathe? Will you be a proud mother if your son grows up believing that personal care is optional and never finds friends or partners willing to endure his crusty smile and general odor of stale bachelor? If the idea of this makes you cringe, then set a good example and take a damn shower. Your kid will survive a ten minute temper tantrum.
3. If you want an enduring loving relationship with your child then you need them to respect you. Which means you need to respect yourself and your own needs which occasionally must come before your child's. If you have met your child's basic needs, it is not a crime to do something just for yourself, even if you are on duty. Because as a parent, you will ALWAYS be on duty. If you are feeling tired and need a few minutes to remember that you have a happy place, you are entitled (as the boss of the house) to a little time for reading a chapter in a book, or enjoying a quiet cup of tea. Your child may not like it, but your child will not be scarred by it. In fact, you will be doing them a great favor. Sometimes your kid(s) should spend time amusing themselves. Enjoying activities that aren't kid related or shared with your kids does not make you a bad parent. It makes you a balanced parent.
4. Most normal parents love their children so much there is no way to express it in words. It's deep and it's primal. You would die for them if you had to. But the truth is that most normal kids will test you pretty much non-stop from the time they are cognizant until they leave your home for the wider world. Some more than others. It's important for their development that they test social boundaries and it is important for parents to provide limitations and boundaries. This can get ugly and you will probably, at some point, feel a rage rise up in your throat and your child will see your dark anger.
In some cases you will feel the urge to hit them, which you wouldn't actually do, but you linger on the thought and relish it for a second. Don't feel guilty. This doesn't mean you sold your soul to the devil while you were sleeping and ceased to love your children. Learning to deal with angry people is a life skill your kids will need. If they never see you angry, nor ever feel the slightest twinge of fear for the consequences of pushing boundaries too far, they will encounter it when they leave the safety of your home and could get themselves seriously hurt as a consequence. Give yourself a break.
Parenting will land you in a quagmire of difficult situations and scenarios. I hope this guide has been useful to you in avoiding needless suffering, or if you enjoy suffering I hope this guide has shown you new ways to nobly deprive yourself of joy. Either way, happy parenting to you all!
*4.5 is not included in the dictionary yet. Check back in a few years.
