Hire me

(I'm the one you want by your side for the Apocalypse)

The best way to find out if your local economy is strong or weak is to try to get a good job in it. A job that will cover all your bills and leave you with a little extra for emergencies like shoes for junior and underwear that you wouldn't be embarrassed to be caught dead in, which is the kind of predicament I just might end up in if I don't get work soon.

The jig is up. I have done everything I have the energy to do, am capable of doing, and know how to do to not have to get a job in the outside world. I had a great five years of staying home, first as a housewife with no baby (total heaven!), then as a mom (also pretty great...though I can't say it wasn't really hard work), and then the last four years running a part time business which morphed into a full time business with the one theme running through the whole endeavor: I consistently made no money.

It's time to take stock because I have got to convince someone out there to pay me enough money so as not to lose my house, my dignity, or my happiness...or at least my house, now that I'm finally in one I completely love.

Let's take a look first at the job experiences from which I may draw in order to find a new job:

Babysitting- I was really good at it since I never did drugs or had boyfriends.

Underage nail salon slave- in exchange for gross manicures. Not my best job.

Salesperson- New York Fabrics. My first legal job.

Cashier- at Wendy's. What can I say? I was doing my laundry with bar soap in the sink, eating my room mate's government cheese, and no one in the fashion industry would hire me.

Salesperson- Radio Shack. It was next door to Wendy's on Market Street in San Francisco. It paid about ten cents more per hour and I didn't have to smell like thick meat grease.

Shipping Manager- Weston Wear. I loved it. One of my favorite jobs ever. It was very industrial, I had to wear boots and lift 50 lb boxes and I got to fill out UPS papers and feel very important. This was my big break in fashion design.

Costume Designer- self employed. I fancied myself in business but really I turned out to just be a contract worker for my good friend. Two years of barely making rent while sewing couture quality historical garments made anything else sound like better work.

Barista- we didn't call it that when I had the job. I was either a "coffee jerk" or just a jerk. I loved this work too. Very freeing to just make coffee for a lot of idiots and feel very smart and undiscovered behind the scenes. Hard work. Early burn out.

Stockroom Person- Loved this job. Again, had to wear boots and got to smash boxes and be generally a great ass kicker. I got to interact with the UPS guys and be the first to unpack merchandise, steam clothes, organize the chaos, and generally avoid customers except when doing them the fun service of beautifully wrapping gifts for them.

Design Assistant- Mulberry Neckwear. I loved this job too. Seriously loved it. I found I didn't want to be one of the designers because they weren't my kind of people except for a couple of them who became good friends of mine. I liked being in the thick of the action, doing the nitty gritty. Keeping all the designers organized, cleaning up their messes, and being necessary to the rest of the department. Production art is really satisfying.

Swatcher- Mulberry Neckwear. Aside from staying home to be a housewife and a mom this was my all time favorite job. I was the liaison between the pattern designers and the printers in Korea who had to print the colors the designers generated. I sat at brightly lit tables of color swatches matching them to computer print outs. I was speaking in color which was exciting. Everything is essentially language. I was very good at this job. I really had to speak up for myself to get it. The only reason I left was to go to community college. They wouldn't let me reduce my hours, so I left to learn math and French.

Barista- Copperfield's. Again?! Why did I come back to this? Good God, I still wasn't done being burnt out working in a coffee house. Why are people so rude to the underpaid people serving them snacks and caffeinated beverages?

Salesperson- Copperfield's books. I did really enjoy this job. I love putting books away and finding books for people. I was very good at it and it was obviously gratifying being completely surrounded by books, talking books, recommending them, ordering them, and breathing them.

Housewife- I have to be honest here and say that this was the single best job I've ever had in my entire life. I loved it. I blossomed and grew and came alive in ways I never expected and I found the heart of my self through finding joy in keeping my home. No one is ever supposed to say this but it was better than being a housewife with a kid. I got a lot more sleep and my house was actually kind of clean for the first time in my life.

Stay At Home Mom- Being a mom is pretty wonderful but it is way more work than being a housewife without a child. You are still expected to keep house, but you are now living with a little human whose entire purpose in life is to destroy order and keep you from sleep. Being a stay at home mom is harder work than any other job a person can have. Stock market? Oh give me break- that's total cake in comparison.

Business owner- Dustpan Alley. Started with handmade cards. Part time gig. Fun. But I can never just go a little distance. This became the obvious full time effort when we lost everything and moved to Oregon.

Store owner- Dustpan Alley. Seemed I had to do it. Spent all our money trying. Oh crap. Still kind of smarts. If you want to get to know a new town, opening a store in it is the fastest way to meet all of the movers, shakers, and the blood suckers in the shortest time possible. Closing your store down is the fastest way to find out what real friends you've made.

Blog Writer- the pay has been close to nil until I count all the friendships I've made and the very loyal same group of readers I've had for the two years I've been writing, not to mention that the discipline it has taken to write a post nearly every day that is good enough to be read by others has honed my writing skills.

Technical Writer- for Studio Mongo. Excellent job. I got a chance to sharpen my writing wits to the specifications of others, which meant not using swear words or making fun of Paris Hilton for a change. Technical writing is not quite as lively as blog writing, yet it is so necessary there is a thrill in writing something so functional. I found myself getting into it and my boss said I was very good at it.

Total Waster. This is what purgatory would feel like if I believed purgatory was a real place. Wanting one thing, knowing that I can't have it, dragging my feet towards a future I don't want, a life I didn't expect, a path I have no desire for. I got a taste of what the ideal life for me is long enough to want it with every cell in my body but it is now like a treasure set adrift in a rough sea.

At some point you've just got to get on with it and make the best of life as it presents itself that you can. Maybe you can't make a silk purse out of sow's ears but you might be able to make some super funky moccasins and convince a bunch of really foolish rich people that they're really stylish, if this wasn't true then there is no explanation for Ugg boots. So I'm moving on to the part where I stop whining and grow a pair of balls. Because that's what you need to look for work these days.

Here's what's generally on offer here in my little corner of the world:

Cashiers
Baristas
Line cooks
Office Clerks
Salespeople
Seasonal fruit workers
Waiters
Medical workers

This wouldn't be such a bad line up really, except that you must read the fine print and find out how qualified employers expect you to be:

Cashier: full time hours for bright, honest, non-junkie. Pays minimum wage. Must have 10 years experience working on our own register system, have a bachelor's degree in anything, and must submit a vial of pee to screen for excessive vitamin B12 shots.

Administrative Assistant: Full time hours. Pay starts at $8.00 p/h. Responsibilities include: data entry, bills processing, ordering supplies, making spreadsheets, pretending not to be a smart-ass. Qualifications: must have bachelor's degree in office sciences, be proficient in Excel, InDesign (in case we want to exploit any latent design talents), two years experience with Microsoft Word (2008 edition), and be not only punctual and subservient, but must also have not smoked tobacco in five years.

Gas Station Attendant: will train. Minimum wage. Bring good attitude. Must have bachelor's degree in Liberal Arts. Must not have been in prison for at least two years. No need to pass drug test.

Every employer has an impossible laundry list of requirements for their prospective employees and the only way anyone could possibly meet them all is if they've already been working for that employer their whole adult life. Since when are so few people willing to train anyone for good work? Since when must we all come pre-equipped with qualifications we would have had to be fortune tellers to have had the foresight to acquire?

Since we became a depressed economy with a whole lot more people in need of work than there are jobs, that's when.

I don't even have a bachelor's degree. You'd think I'd be pretty far buried under the trash heap of educational regrets about now. What is keeping me from regretting having followed my singular path and not getting the traditional degree is that it really doesn't matter what degree a person has these days, it won't be the right one. It will cost you every penny you can beg, borrow, or steal, and in the end your dream job will turn up on a job list and they will want you to have the degree you didn't get.

Why You Want Me For The Job:

I am unbelievably loyal to good employers, I am honest (I don't steal time or money), I thrive on challenges, I am publicly easy to get along with and tolerant of nearly all human foibles (such as religion and dim wits), I have enough optimism to face down the Grim Reaper, I learn quickly, I am the ultimate Girl-Friday, I am fantastic in a crisis, I am level headed, smart, properly afraid of breaking the law (but not enough to be annoying to anyone besides my family).

Qualifications: Worked my ass off since I was a preteen for other people with the highest degree of dedication and have maintained a spotless work ethic, have an associates degree in fashion design which is useless to you but shows that I got exactly the education I needed in order to do what I set out to do when I was seventeen (over twenty years ago now), have owned my own business, I have been trusted with fabric archives to organize, children to care for, I am diplomatic in spite of my acerbic wit, I want to thrive and I want others to thrive as well, I will get the god-damned job done!

Bottom Line: I'm the one you want by your side when the Apocalypse comes.

Hire me!

Some Good Things
(to prove that I'm not a totally negative individual)

Plus: making frugality sound good

Can you believe this sunflower?

That is the color of light when it's happy.

What's good right now:

• The rain. I love the rain. It smells good outside, not hot and stinky. I was born in the season of rain. Often I think I will die in the heat. No, that's not quite right, often I think the heat will KILL me. I love rainy storms, the kind that blows your door wide open, the kind that erases all other noise. I also love this softer rain that just washes everything clean. The sound is how I would hope heaven would sound, if I believed in heaven. Rain is good.

• There's a job opening at Hotel Oregon for maids. I've never been one before. I can't say that the idea of cleaning up after people who are being messier than normal because it's not their home and they know a maid will clean things up doesn't actually sound like fun exactly, but from an an anthropological point of view, it could be fascinating. It also probably pays better than working in a coffee shop would. I will fill out an application today. Bring on those used condoms and dirty toilets!

• Coffee. I have coffee. Coffee is very soothing. When I was eighteen I used to drink about ten cups a day. Of the caffeinated kind. I would go to Zim's, smoke cigarettes, eat "country" potatoes, and put down cup after cup of coffee until my nerves were getting tangled up from all the involuntary shaking. Now I have three cups of mostly decaffeinated. I love hot coffee. It makes me happy.

• I have wonderful friends both in "real" life and online. The flowers from above are from Lisa B's garden. The light was terrible so I didn't take pictures of the other flowers she brought, her two oldest girls both brought me little bouquets from their own gardens. Plus they brought me a six pack of beer. I know how much of an honor it is to get a huge bunch of gorgeous sunflowers from some one's garden, it's not like she has an endless field of them. Oh how cheerful they are!! I want to grow this kind next year. I almost grew them this year but kept thinking that I really wanted only the classic kind, these ones are a little wild and strange with their myriad tiny petals crowded together in a big ball or orange. I am a changed woman. These flowers are powerfully lovely in a vase on my table. Every time I see them I see how lucky I am in my friends. You can visit her at her blog Morning Glory Essentials and while you're there, don't forget to visit her website where she sells handmade soaps and other aromatherapy items.
  

• Lisa E gave me such a good haircut and I cannot say how much that makes a difference when you feel like total crap already. Every day I was waking up with stupid hair and feeling like the biggest frump in Yamhill County. That's really saying something. Thank you Lisa!!!! Incidentally, you can see her gorgeous felted bags at her Lovli shop.

• Speaking of friends- I have two orders to get out in the next couple of days. One is to Amanda at Pandora's Button Box, who bought one of my Halloween wish boxes, and the other order is going to Karmyn at Dreaming What Ifs... (for which I must make the apron from scratch, so it won't go out for a couple of days yet. ) Ladies: you have perked me up with your support! Karmyn has already bought two Peace aprons so I'd have to say that she's one of my very best customers, right alongside Pam at Pam Kitty Morning.

After all that crying I did on Friday (literally: all day long), I am ready to face what's coming. We are going to try to hang onto our house this time. We had to sell our last house to get out of EXACTLY the same situation. The last house was a beautiful 1930's Tudor-style stucco house with the most gorgeous windows (the originals which we completely restored) and a garden that I loved very much! It was painful to sell the house I thought I was going to grow old in. This time I have a very architecturally boring house but I have a huge yard and I haven't had the chance to make this place really shine. If we keep selling our houses to get out from under then we will never have a house to grow old in. Last time we really had no choice, this time I think there's a possible solution in which we could keep this house.

I want to keep what I have. I want to pay back my debts. I want to start over without having to uproot my five chickens, my son, my dog, and my cat who is going to die in the near future. I really appreciate what I have. Perhaps that's one of the reasons everything is stinging particularly bad right now. It's not as though I am trying to have a mansion, tons of money, expensive clothes, or fame. I just want to make a living and keep the unfancy life I have.

I don't consider myself a particularly extravagant spender. I spent a shitload of money on things you have to have to run a store. Furniture, display cases, registers, fixtures, inventory, advertising, these weren't things for me. So I'm looking at what I spend now since it's beyond tight. Trying to figure out how I can be more frugal. I actually hate that word. It sounds so mean. Here are some of the things that I have recently spent money on and shouldn't have:

• expensive beer (the good stuff)
• more plants for the garden
• reference books (gardening, cooking, and crafting)
• that damn mandolin (this was an impulse buy that was not necessary)
• expensive coffee (the good stuff)

Does that look like a person living in the lap of luxury? Clearly I can't buy books right now. I've rectified that by reinstating my good relationship with our local library. I am happy to borrow reference books, even though I especially love having them permanently on hand. I will be trying out a less expensive coffee option found by Lisa B.

Beer, we ended up deciding to simply start by cutting our beer expense in half. We will gradually whittle it down to as little as possible.

No plants for the garden right now. I can plan, I can start seeds this winter for perennials and see how I do. I can ask for plants for presents. I can see how our situation is this winter and if much improved I may be able to buy a few carefully selected things. No kitchen gadgets. I feel very guilty about that impulse buy. Normally I think about these things for a long time first. I really didn't need it.

In some ways this is all good, what's happening. Even though I really don't think of myself as a crazy spender, to have to think in terms of much more bald frugality is not a bad thing. It's a challenge I just might get to where I can enjoy it.

The only thing bugging me right now is how I haven't been managing to go to the gym while I still have membership. I won't be able to sign up again in a month and a half and I would like to get my money's worth out of it. This week I will make better efforts.

Well, I'm off to watch cartoons with Max. Maybe have some breakfast. Take some more pictures for my Etsy shop. Cut out a cherry apron for Karmyn. And make a phone call for information about a possible way to help ourselves into a better debt situation.