Quest To Destroy The Universe

Ozark would like to rule the universe.

Since having a kid I've watched more than my human share of the good ol' fight between the classic forces of good and evil. I've noticed that nearly all villains have one thing in common:

They want to destroy the world.

This is something I think most of them haven't thought through very well. They all need to talk to Spike from Buffy The Vampire Slayer, who when given the choice to pair up with his fellow bad guys to destroy the whole world or to enlist the good guys to stop them, chooses to stop the world from being destroyed because he rather likes feasting on humans and engaging in his nefarious activities. If the whole world were destroyed, what the hell would he do with his bad self?

It's time for all the other villains to ask themselves the same question. Destruction is the name of the game, obviously, but why not stretch the fun out and keep the world intact so you can keep being evil?

The other villainous goal is to rule the world. I understand this one much better. From a critical thinking point of view, it's a much more sound ambition. However, have they all considered how much work that would be? I mean, running a store was hard enough, I really think ruling the whole world would be exhausting. All those insurrections, rebellions, damn bleeding hearts with pure intentions getting in the way all the time, all that betrayal. I imagine there's a high burnout rate in that line of work.

This is why I've largely dropped all my ambitions. Especially the one about ruling the world. When I was seventeen I really didn't realize how much work it would entail and how extremely lazy I am. I had to discover middle management for myself to really understand the great tedium involved in being in charge. I'm glad I figured that one out before I invested a lot of money in an indestructible super-suit.

Petty Crimes And Misdemeanors

Petty misdemeanor #1: When the local health food store has a vast collection of Saturn peaches with moldy stem ends, and regular peaches covered in bruises and crawling with ants. Yes, ANTS. I know this is a tough economy, but there is no excuse to try to sell people old substandard food for the cost of a new born baby. They only partially atone for the lack of freshness that most of their produce exhibits by selling the most beautiful basil I have ever seen in my life which they only occasionally let go limp.

Petty Crime #2: To eat at Jack In The Box during the height of the best season of the year for fresh food. No wait, the crime is to eat there at all. Ever. I saw a huge line of cars at the Jack In The Box drive up window yesterday and it made me so sad to see so many people choosing salty grease flavor over all the options this season opens up- what about a tomato-basil-mozzarella salad with oil and balsamic vinegar? Or if you really crave that all American meal, why not make your own damn hamburgers? NOT HARD TO DO PEOPLE. If I could afford to do it I would stand on the other side of those drive ups and hand out really good food that's easy to make. I would drag all those pasty fast food asses to a cooking classroom and show them how cheap and easy it is to make good food at home.

Petty Misdemeanor #3: To pick carrots from your own garden and let them sit on the counter for two days getting wilty and then still not use them for anything. I must atone for this one by using them in a soup. I plan to make a lentil soup today. Lentil soup is so good. I have those fancy little French lentils that need using and it would just be the hugest shame to waste those carrots. Can I just defend myself a little bit here by pointing out that much of my garden produce has had to spend a couple of days on the counter due to overbooking the fridge space with other food? Can I get off with a warning this time?

Petty Crime #4: To shop at Walmart. Oh wait, that's more like a felony. I have gone there twice in two years, one of those times was yesterday. I went because staples didn't have any Fiskar scissors and I figured that since I can't get my favorite underwear anywhere else here in town, I would buck up and enter the American ideal of hell. Oh god. The atmosphere in there is suffocating and brawling and scrappy and fat and cheap and crappy and depressing and loud and poor and represents the lowest point of our culture and our national personality.

No other store has quite so many crying babies, whining children, unhappy adults, nagging voices, or so many isles of candy and other forms of the worst kind of "food" available to mankind. Why is it I never see confident stylish people there? And at what point in my life did I start looking exactly like a person who's favorite place to shop is Walmart? That is a major crime. I realize, (and this never ceases to surprise me), that many of my favorite people shop there. People I love, respect, think are beautiful, kind, conscientious, and politically savvy. I never see them there when I'm there, though. I see low America. I see mostly desperately depressed and stressed moms trailing children behind them like loud shackles. They all look tired and look like they're losing hope through their pores.

It is way worse than JoAnne's Fabric.

I would be willing to argue that Walmart is an American cult bigger than Mormonism. I would not be at all surprised if the "elders" got together to buy out all Walmarts. What could be better than to join together the two hugest cults in our country? Then the Mormon plan to take over the world would be within their reach. What a coup that would be because Walmart is owned by the religious right wing of this country. It would be a battle of dogmas.

I just got the strange visual of Tammy Faye bitch slapping some Mormon lady in Jesus jammies.*


You know what alarms me more than any other aspect of Walmart? That some of the stores sell produce. My brother in law and his wife were telling me that they buy produce there and it just made me infinitely sad and scared that the food people eat has gone so far down the road to perdition that people can buy "fresh" produce in a place that puts all it's value in the word "cheap". My in-laws are good people and deserve to eat food that is good quality and comes from Virginia, where they live. They deserve to have produce that actually tastes good. They deserve to eat produce that actually nourishes them.

Every time I shop at Walmart I feel dirty afterwards. I feel that I have betrayed the potential of my country to be something so much better than it is. I feel that I have betrayed myself, which is much worse. So, that's it. I am renewing my vows to not buy from them again. I will shop online for the few things they carry that no other local store carries. I will not be party to the Walmart degradation of my fellow countrymen. We are worth so much more than what they have to offer.

But don't worry, I will not spout out lectures to all of you who find needs being filled by them. We each have our own journey, we each have our own choices to make and perhaps you have made other healthy choices that I have not yet made. So I'm not going to judge you. But if anyone wants to join me in my resolve, I welcome you!



*A term I only learned last night from our friend Erica who grew up as a Buddist child in Utah, surrounded by Mormons. I'm getting the dirt from the inside now!!

Seattle Gift Show: an outsider infiltration

This is the Washington Convention Center. It's a massive building in which commerce is enjoyed on a large scale. Picture taking isn't really encouraged inside the event. To be allowed to wander the hallowed isles of complete commercial crap you must provide a formidable stack of proof that you have a right to be there: picture ID, proof of federal tax ID, business license, at least five invoices of amounts over two hundred dollars for gift type goods, a birth certificate, proof of family status, pet pictures, and a blood sample.

My sister took me to the one in San Francisco a year and a half ago when I was on crutches from having broken my hip. She could tell you that it is an amazing event to see; isle after isle of stuff you avoid at Hallmark like the plague. It is rare that outsiders get to see this side of commerce. I thought it would have been marvelous to have had the guts to just whip out my camera so that I could write a great journalistic piece on this trade show accompanied by revealing photos. I don't usually fancy myself a journalistic type of writer, but this trip brought it out of me. I stifled my urge to get myself in a heap of trouble.

I have to admit, before I completely slam the essence of this event, that there really were some cool companies there showing unique merchandise. I found a few amazing card companies that I had not previously seen, I found a fantastic source for realistic fake birds and bees, and I found what I think is a great bath product line. When you consider, though, that there were over a thousand vendors present, finding four or five lines of cool goods is pretty pathetic.

Here are a few of the wonders to be bought:

• A variety of neon colored rubber alien looking balls and "wigs" that you can don to show the world what a wild cat you really are. Beer not included.

• A bunch of companies "specializing" in regional tourist goods: Alaska t-shirts, Pacific North West goods with moose on them, sweatshirts with the state of Oregon printed on them. The kind of stuff you buy at the base of the space needle.

• I cannot tell you how many companies were there selling crappy pink stuffed animals with hearts embroidered on their chests. Some of you may love these things, and that's your prerogative, but I've been forced to see enough of them recently at my local post office and it worries me that people are buying such stupid things for each other as a token of love. When I see how many crafting people out there are making genuinely cool stuffies, ones that are unique, interesting, and sweet without making me want to kill myself, I just can't understand why people are wasting their money on the horrible Walmart variety teddy bears.

• The handmade section was abysmal. I understand that many people have not gotten over burl wood crafts, but it's time. Almost all the handmade crafts being shown were cheesy, uninspired, completely unhip, and seriously depressing. C'mon people, make some wind socks that aren't rainbow nylon. The only cards in this section were these horrendous brightly embossed designs. I want to support hand made goods. I can't afford to sell lots of it in my store, but I'm trying to find what I can afford because there are so many wonderful handmade things being made out there, there's no excuse for crap.

• I want to know what's up with people getting tapestries made with the images of their babies on them. Does no one understand how TACKY that is? Or their pets?

• Lastly, the country style goods were like a tumor choking out all the sunlight in the world. I love a good fake-aged galvanized bucket, I love enamel ware, I really do. I can appreciate quite a lot of the country aesthetic, but really, the amount of aged wooden signs saying "This house serves the word of the Lord" and "God bless us, every one" is just stupefying.

I learned a lot about going to trade shows on this trip. At first I couldn't understand why all these idiot women had rolling luggage with them. Jesus, you'd think they were afraid to leave their things in their hotels...which if they were staying in the same hotel as me I kind of understand. They weren't idiots, they were way smarter than me. The rolling luggage is for transporting the plethora of catalogs you acquire without forcing your arms into a state of permanent numbness from carrying an extra fifty pounds of pulp in a paper shopping bag. I will know for next time.

There's a kind of excitement that circulates these events. People are there to shop and what can be more stirring than spending tons of money with the hopes that the goods you buy will eventually turn into more money? It almost makes a person hot with anticipation. (I said ALMOST) It is mostly women buying. Some surprise, huh? Most of them travel in packs. There's a good reason for that. Not only do you need the moral support and someone to gossip with, but you do not look like weak prey for the pushy reps in the gifty desert when you are part of a group. I had to avoid a lot of eye contact with salespeople who were repping lines that I could see out of the corner of my eye would make me want to slit my own throat if I had to look at them all day long.

Lucky for me I'm a lot more wily than I appear. I look pretty open, like an easy sell. A lot of people make the mistake of assuming that I am easily influenced, that I am gullible (I've had my moments to be sure) and that I am too weak to say no. I will take your catalog out of politeness, because I know how hard you're working and how clueless you are about the degree to which your goods offend me. But when I return to the Williamson Ranch with the offending catalog I will burn it on a pyre in grave disgust. And I will curse you for trying to lure me into buying evil crap that I wouldn't give to my worst enemy.

I am going to recap with a few handy tips for the next time you find yourself required to travel to a trade show; the retail mecca of the west:

• Wear good walking shoes. Preferably ones that have little tiny angels holding your feet just a little bit off the ground on cushions of clouds.

• Bring a rolling suitcase to comfortably store all the catalogs you will later burn in a soul cleansing ritual.

• Come in a pack, you won't have to work so hard to fight off the hungry hyenas. Plus you'll have more fun dissing all the bazaar fashions wandering loose around the great retail Sahara.

• Take a break in the middle of the day. Don't fall for the prepackaged sandwich scam, it isn't food. It looks like food, and you'll be ravenous from all the work avoiding the garden signs reading "Fairies welcome here". Instead, go for some hot food and be sure to drink a pint of the finest ale you can find. It will pluck up your courage to return, which you will need.

Next up: a visit to the permanent showrooms. A little visit to hell itself.