Dustpan Alley (OLD)

Am I Martha Yet?

My bank account doesn't lie to me. Martha, I am not. But look at these pretty labels my mom made for all of my bulk goods! I realize that Martha is the Empirical master of all label making arenas the world over (?) and that it will make some Martha hearts bleed to hear me say this, but I think my mom's labels are BETTER than anything Martha could have done. Plus, does Martha make people pretty labels when waiting for hip replacement surgery? No. She has her minions employees do these things for her when she's indisposed with a cold, or in prison.

Here's the million dollar shot! I know you are all itching to make your own potions and bath luxuries, so come on in and let's chat about witchy matters. We can do this even if you're a Christian and are supposed to not suffer witches to live because as you must have realized by now, I use the term "witch" rather loosely and I don't personally fly on a broom. Though, I have to admit that the prospect of doing so is somewhat intriguing. It occurs to me that to fly on a broom you have to have one hell of a skinny ass. If anyone knows any real witches out there or if any of you ARE a witch and know about these mysteries, please don't hesitate to sit down with me and have a mature discussion about frog's balls and cauldrons.

I promise not to report you to any fire and brimstone characters I sometimes run into. Although, you know, once you're already all into the notion of fire and brimstone, I kind of don't think you've got a moral leg to beat witches with. I mean, you're already believing in seas being parted, thousands of animals fitting on one tiny boat, and a man who walks on water. What I am wondering is, if it's OK for Jesus to walk on water, why is it not OK for witches to fly on brooms? Are the witches harming anyone? At least brooms don't require oil to fly. Not only that, but I really don't see what their big crime is except the whole bit about not worshiping the bible, but if you're going to burn someone for not believing in Christianity, holy moses, you're going to have to burn more than half the world's population at the stake.

You know what we modern people call that? GENOCIDE. (Oh my, how did I go from pretty labels to genocide? Sometimes I amaze myself with my ability to turn a really nice little subject into one of mass murder. If I didn't know better, I might suspect myself of possessing magic skills.)

My mom has a genius for getting things done fast. Unfortunately, when you're working with a person who's brain is preoccupied with questions about flying on broomsticks, proof reading is an imaginary activity. Because I missed the fact that the price says "per ounce" instead of "each", my mom has to re-do all these labels. Or make me re-do them. But aren't these labels the bomb?!*

No matter what happens with my store, I now know something that I never knew before: I can put together a kick ass store! Obviously with a lot of help from the family unit. I kind of not so secretly wish that I could make enough to pay my sister and my mom to work for Dustpan Alley full time. If I could do that, I would be raking up the dough immediately. I don't really want to tell them this, but I kind of think that if my sister and my mom ran a store together they would be better at it than me.

If we had enough money to see us through a few years, I KNOW our store would make it. My mom was reminding me how no one makes money with their stores for at least the first two or three years. This is kind of like uttering a blasphemy really loud while in church. It's the thing no one is allowed to say to me. It doesn't matter if it's true. I don't have a few years. To point that out to me is like confirming that I will fail. I think you have to take into consideration that usually what is meant is that no one makes a profit for the first few years. I'm not looking to make a profit, I just want to be able to pay all the bills, and be able to buy food too.

Wait, did I say I'm not looking to make a profit? I take that back. I totally want to make a profit, I just don't care if I make a profit right away as long as I can keep us afloat. With beer. Ooh, floating on beer sounds like heaven rewritten to suit Angelina: a witch without a broom.

Maybe if the store doesn't make it I can write a book all about what NOT to do when you're trying to build a small business on very little money.

Well, I have some other writing to do. A big window display to arrange. Aprons to sew. Pot holders to sew. Tedious orders to place. Dirt to haul. Laundry to ignore. And best of all? Anxiety to percolate! So you all have a great Thursday!

*Is it totally outre to say that now? I always discover the current colloquialisms after they have run their course. For example, I have only recently started saying "dude". But that's my friend Kathleen's fault, I only say it because it makes her seem closer to me than Willits. I think she might be popping out a second wee one just about now.