My publicist wants to know: where's my nomination?!

I'm having a very stardust moment here. Please don't scare it away. Dustpan Alley is officially official. This is a big moment for a would-have-been fashion designer: I have my own LABELS! For the first time in my designing life I have a label to prove I have a spot on the retail shelves of the world. C'mon-buy a Dustpan Alley apron, then you can say you were wearing Dustpan Alley before it went global on your ass. Aren't they pretty? We kept it simple. Not because we're elegant that way; to be honest, it's because these need to go in both the men's aprons as well as the women's aprons. It couldn't be too fancy. Men tend not to enjoy "fancy".

I have Philip to thank for designing as well as negotiating this wonderful moment in my life. You want to know what it makes me want to do? It makes me want to design house dresses. (Which is what my mom keeps nudging me to do, which is curious since she's not a house-dress wearing kind of lady, being more in the gypsyish free-floating non-housewifey stylin' line of fashion). I can be anything now. I can sew something and slap a label on it and PRESTO, it becomes a part of the Dustpan Alley line.

But don't call it a franchise or I will have to slap you. Since I am dedicated to a life of non-violence, this will hurt me more than it will hurt you.

Speaking of non-violence, we have now sold five Peace aprons. Hopefully we will sell more this month and then at the end of the month I will write out my first donation check to MoveOn.org. So I want to thank the people who have already shopped for Peace:

A huge thank you to: Kelly, Karmyn, Tracey, and Rachel! I salute you for supporting both Dustpan Alley and Peace. You ladies KICK BA-HOOKIE!!!

So, speaking of supporting Dustpan Alley...we are doing really well right now. I mean, Philip still needs to get a job, but the tide is turning. We've done more sales in the first week of May than we did for the whole month of February. If we did this well every single week of the month, we will have almost made our sales goal. What's even better is that just as Philip has begun the painful and degrading process of looking for work, some free-lance work has suddenly materialized. I think it's infinitely interesting that the work comes to us via two people that we have been paying to help us with our business. Our sign guy, Frank Ponz, gave Philip's card to a new scrapbook business here in town to help them illustrate their new logo. Thank you Frank!!

And, by the way, Frank's wonderfully opinionated wife Carol has not only been shopping quite a lot at our store, she's also been bringing her friends to shop here too. Carol: curmudgeons unite! You totally rock!*

We met with our marketing person this week. Every time I say "marketing person" my mind does a little burp and "my publicist" leaks into my brain. My marketing person is a super spaz named Angeleen Umfleet whose Advertising business is called Riveting Design. She gave us an outline of objectives for our store to help us increase sales. It turns out that Angeleen is doing so well right now that she may have some work for Philip to help her. Can you beat that? She raises beef for her family on the side, so this is a woman you must take seriously.

I believe that if you're going to hire a person to help you market your business, it's important that you follow their instructions, otherwise you're just pouring your money down the sewer line. So here are some things we've been instructed to do:

• Join the chamber of commerce in both McMinnville and Newberg. (We've been meaning to for months, but it takes a directive from my publicist marketing person to get me to march down to the building (which is only four blocks from where I work) and sign up and hand them over a lot of money.

• Dress the flippin part for God's sake! Yup, that's pretty much what she said. She said "Woman, I don't care if you weigh 600 lbs, you will put on an apron, headscarf, and lipstick every damn day and act like you mean to put every sad Jane into one of your awesome aprons!!" Damn straight! You said it sistah! (As a matter of little importance, I wore my Chelsea Carlton hostess apron all day long yesterday even though it made me feel not-so-good about my stomach. I also put on my Sophia eye-liner.)

• Think big and live large. No, wait, that was Donald Trump who said that. It's hard to take him seriously because I will never get past the comb-over which I know you already know since I am incapable of saying his name without also mentioning his phenomenally awful hair. I guess that's proof that you can have some blaring ill-conceived body or fashion flaw and still make millions and have a doll made in your likeness.

• Bake cookies in the store in an Easy Bake oven or a toaster oven. Because we're trying to sell stylish domesticity, we need to make people feel like they're entering the Improved June Cleaver zone. We need to give people the urge to rush home with new sassy pot holders and start baking a lemon meringue pie in their pink oven.

She had a lot more to share but if you want more tips like these you will either have to hire Angeleen or pay me an advance on my book about how to barely stumble into business success. (I've got my pen poised for action by the way. Are you an editor looking for the hottest new business book? Look no further! I'll do it. I'll show everyone WHAT NOT TO DO, similar to the British show "What Not To Wear".)

One more thing, I just want to extend a very warm thank you to Susan Hanson for being our very best customer and for being so flippin nice too. It was fascinating getting cross examined by your husband while I wrapped gifts the other evening-he's quite a character!




*so what's up with my frequent use of this 1980's expression? Am I experiencing a little regression or something?

Am I Martha Yet?

My bank account doesn't lie to me. Martha, I am not. But look at these pretty labels my mom made for all of my bulk goods! I realize that Martha is the Empirical master of all label making arenas the world over (?) and that it will make some Martha hearts bleed to hear me say this, but I think my mom's labels are BETTER than anything Martha could have done. Plus, does Martha make people pretty labels when waiting for hip replacement surgery? No. She has her minions employees do these things for her when she's indisposed with a cold, or in prison.

Here's the million dollar shot! I know you are all itching to make your own potions and bath luxuries, so come on in and let's chat about witchy matters. We can do this even if you're a Christian and are supposed to not suffer witches to live because as you must have realized by now, I use the term "witch" rather loosely and I don't personally fly on a broom. Though, I have to admit that the prospect of doing so is somewhat intriguing. It occurs to me that to fly on a broom you have to have one hell of a skinny ass. If anyone knows any real witches out there or if any of you ARE a witch and know about these mysteries, please don't hesitate to sit down with me and have a mature discussion about frog's balls and cauldrons.

I promise not to report you to any fire and brimstone characters I sometimes run into. Although, you know, once you're already all into the notion of fire and brimstone, I kind of don't think you've got a moral leg to beat witches with. I mean, you're already believing in seas being parted, thousands of animals fitting on one tiny boat, and a man who walks on water. What I am wondering is, if it's OK for Jesus to walk on water, why is it not OK for witches to fly on brooms? Are the witches harming anyone? At least brooms don't require oil to fly. Not only that, but I really don't see what their big crime is except the whole bit about not worshiping the bible, but if you're going to burn someone for not believing in Christianity, holy moses, you're going to have to burn more than half the world's population at the stake.

You know what we modern people call that? GENOCIDE. (Oh my, how did I go from pretty labels to genocide? Sometimes I amaze myself with my ability to turn a really nice little subject into one of mass murder. If I didn't know better, I might suspect myself of possessing magic skills.)

My mom has a genius for getting things done fast. Unfortunately, when you're working with a person who's brain is preoccupied with questions about flying on broomsticks, proof reading is an imaginary activity. Because I missed the fact that the price says "per ounce" instead of "each", my mom has to re-do all these labels. Or make me re-do them. But aren't these labels the bomb?!*

No matter what happens with my store, I now know something that I never knew before: I can put together a kick ass store! Obviously with a lot of help from the family unit. I kind of not so secretly wish that I could make enough to pay my sister and my mom to work for Dustpan Alley full time. If I could do that, I would be raking up the dough immediately. I don't really want to tell them this, but I kind of think that if my sister and my mom ran a store together they would be better at it than me.

If we had enough money to see us through a few years, I KNOW our store would make it. My mom was reminding me how no one makes money with their stores for at least the first two or three years. This is kind of like uttering a blasphemy really loud while in church. It's the thing no one is allowed to say to me. It doesn't matter if it's true. I don't have a few years. To point that out to me is like confirming that I will fail. I think you have to take into consideration that usually what is meant is that no one makes a profit for the first few years. I'm not looking to make a profit, I just want to be able to pay all the bills, and be able to buy food too.

Wait, did I say I'm not looking to make a profit? I take that back. I totally want to make a profit, I just don't care if I make a profit right away as long as I can keep us afloat. With beer. Ooh, floating on beer sounds like heaven rewritten to suit Angelina: a witch without a broom.

Maybe if the store doesn't make it I can write a book all about what NOT to do when you're trying to build a small business on very little money.

Well, I have some other writing to do. A big window display to arrange. Aprons to sew. Pot holders to sew. Tedious orders to place. Dirt to haul. Laundry to ignore. And best of all? Anxiety to percolate! So you all have a great Thursday!

*Is it totally outre to say that now? I always discover the current colloquialisms after they have run their course. For example, I have only recently started saying "dude". But that's my friend Kathleen's fault, I only say it because it makes her seem closer to me than Willits. I think she might be popping out a second wee one just about now.