An Apology For War
the other side of 9/11

The heart of a people is often laid deep in the seeds of the fruits they grow. Open it up and you will see a history, a folklore written into the planes and angles of juicy colorful flesh, and you will hear a music you may or may not recognize. If you destroy the seeds a people saves, you destroy what's in their hearts. Today many of my countrymen and women are turning their attention to mournfully remembering the civilian deaths that were a result of the terrorist attack against the twin towers on September 11, 2001.

Every year, when this day rolls around I am made acutely uncomfortable by this lingering look at our losses when so much more and worse has happened since then. Every year as my people get in touch with their anger and their sorrow I feel like it is a dangerous idolatry, this memorializing of the dead made into a patriotic show. Personal sorrows were many and for each person I can understand remembrance. But every year it seems that people use this moment to justify war. "Remember all those people who died because of those heinous terrorists? It's a good thing we used that opportunity to invade a country that wasn't harboring the perpetrators of the crime because you know they are evil anyway..."

On this day seven years ago I heard the impossibly sad news about the twin towers and heard the death toll counts rising and I said to Philip "You realize this means we're going to war, don't you?" He agreed. I knew that our crooked president, if he wasn't somehow directly responsible for this heinous act itself, would absolutely use it as an excuse to go kill a whole lot of oil-hoarding evil Arab people.

What I kept thinking about was what impact all of these events must be having on the Arab-Americans in our own country. People with loved ones living in places that our government has vilified and then invaded, and then not seen fit to keep a death toll. We are a people made up of citizens from around the globe, a major part of our beauty lies in the people who have come to give us all the benefit of their cultural past, their perspective, their uniqueness, and to give us color.

The events of 9/11 must have had a tremendous impact on every American with a Mediterranean look to them. Going through the airports must have been hell, to be more scrutinized than other paler European-style faces had to have stung and felt like in injustice. What was it like to listen to people talking about Afghans like animals deserving to be executed? Afghanistan may be poor in the global economy but it is rich with history, with current vibrancy, and Americans didn't really care after 9/11.

The truth is that Americans didn't really care who had to die, just as long as someone paid for the deaths resulting from the crashing twin towers. Revenge is a very old past time and has not, even after thousands of years of seeking it, made anything better. It keeps our rivers full of bodies is all. We went looking for a fight the second we got the horrifying news. And when we couldn't find enough blood in Afghanistan we invaded Iraq because our President and all his evil men had our attention squarely set on the tragedy. "Keep people afraid and sad and they won't notice that we're invading a country we have no excuse to invade and even though no one else in the world would support us we are so righteous with God behind us...."

This is not a God directed war we've been waging. It's a political invasion and occupation. It can only end badly.

Once the evil was done and the death toll kept rising year after year I began to hear people say things like "We can't just leave Iraq now because we have to clean up our mess first." I have never heard such rubbish.

Let me ask you all this: If you had a plumber come to your house to fix a little leak, and he excavated and hammered at your pipes until all the plumbing in your house was broken and the water was gushing, the sewage sludging into your basement, even though when he arrived there had been but one small leak, would you consider this person qualified to clean up and fix the mess?

If you answered yes then you are deeply stupid.

So here we are. Seven years into war. A war we had no reasonable excuse to wage in the first place. The real terrorists were never caught but in the mean time we've managed to kill a shitload of Arabs, lose some more of our own people, deposed a leader, start a civil war, and one of the worst crimes we've committed? We've imposed rules on a people we have no right to impose anything on that have the potential to crush their heritage: we've made it illegal for any Iraqis farmers to save their seeds for harvest. They are required to buy their seeds from the United States, from our companies selling genetically modified seeds.

Like all true terrorists, we are attempting to rip out the hearts of an entire people.

This makes me sad beyond belief. I am sick inside with shame for my country. A country with the potential for greatness squandering all its chances on wars it should not fight and cannot win. I am ashamed at how hard it is to find out how many Iraqis we've killed, because if you're going to kill people you should be accountable for it. Our own laws support this. God supposedly agrees. Jesus doesn't even think we should kill at all.

If we're going to mourn everyone who died as a result of the attack on the twin towers then we need to also mourn for all the people who have died as a result of our seeking retribution. Americans love to print the numbers of American soldiers who've died so there's no problem keeping track of our beloved own (which undoubtedly includes plenty of Arab-Americans who have ties to Iraq, what a mind fuck that must be!) and so the total number of American lost (including the Twin Towers incident) is: 7,443 American people. *

I had to check a lot of sources, many no longer current, but it seems that if you average out the estimates available (which vary widely) everyone can pretty much agree that at least 100,000 Iraqis have died in the war, a huge majority of those civilians. Men, women, and children not in the military.

Women and children. The United States has a hell of a fucking lot to answer for. How many of these civilians were related to American tax paying citizens? Should we not also be honoring the loss of these people? People who did us no harm.

For every 1 American killed, we have killed 13 Iraqis.

What I want to know is: When will we decide that we've killed enough?

Our government has done this in our name, sullying all kinds of other names in the process such as "God", "Justice", and the most laughable of all "Freedom".

Enough was reached a long time ago. Enough is now. Enough.

I'm not going to throw rocks at our troops who, having enlisted in a job in which there is no room for freedom of opinion, have been doing what they promised to do which is doing what they're told. I don't respect what they're doing because killing people under any circumstance besides urgent self defense, is to me, indefensible and a crime. I don't care what flag anyone is carrying. I don't care what color your skin is. I don't care who you pray to. Killing is wrong. But bring our troops home. I will not harass them nor bring them down.

We've killed at least one hundred thousand Iraqi people.

We've become the Nazi's to Jewish people.** We just haven't reached the same death toll yet. Is that what it will take? Do we need to kill 6,000,000 men, women, and children before we see that what we're doing is wrong? That what we've done is invaded another country, oppressed them, killed their people-innocent people, and decided that we have some "right" to be there? What will it take for us to take our actions seriously and demand, as a country, that our tyranny over Iraq end?

I thought we viewed dictatorships as evil. We are the worst dictatorship of all right now.

So tonight I am sending out my apologies to the dead and the families they have left to mourn. I'm so sorry that my country has committed these heinous crimes against you. I'm so sorry that my country, of which I am a part, has smeared the blood of your innocent children (who resemble so many of our children) across the streets with grenades and bombs. I'm so sorry we've put laws in motion that could destroy your gorgeous and ancient heritage, family stories, and indigenous crops that you have grown for centuries.

I'm so sorry. If I could depose Emperor Bush and prevent his evil brethren from taking charge when he steps down, I would. If I could undo this stench of death in your country, I would. I am but one person. Please, please know that not all Americans are blood thirsty self righteous butchers. Please know that some of us think on your loss and wish we could send you back the seeds of your heart. Some of us wish we could open the universal rivers to share food, conversation, laughter, cultural understanding and enlightenment.

Tonight, while my country remembers the 2,974 people who died from the terrorist attack on the Twin Towers, I am remembering the 100, 000 we have so far killed in an effort to make ourselves feel better.

My shame is deep and complete. Please forgive us.

* Sources for this information: September 11 attacks, and both American and Iraqi deaths,

**I am 100% aware of the gravity of such a statement. I stand by it. What we're doing in Iraq is slaughtering innocent people. It's what Hitler did to not only Jewish people but to all people who opposed him. I do believe that there is a deep racism in my country against people of Arab heritage and it is no different than Adolf's prejudice against jewish people. I'm was horrified to hear a relative of mine call someone a "raghead" once and until then I actually didn't realize there were derrogative words for Arabic people because in my circles people have few racial prejudices.

I Wonder If Jesus Ate Pita Bread

I'll bet he did. And I'll bet he liked it too. Jesus was a Mediterranean guy, after all. One might even speculate that he was part Arab. How likely would it have been for him to be purely of European descent? Philip is telling me that the area in which Jesus lived was, by his lifetime, a real crossroads of cultures already. There were Mesopotamians, Greeks, Romans, Arabs, Phoenicians, Syrians, Egyptians, and Turks (for a start). Does it still bother some Christians to imagine that Jesus was probably not really white?

I like to imagine him as a blend of ethnicities. Though it would be deeply ironic if there was ever proof that he was of Northern African or Arab ethnicity. How that would make some millions of American and European Christians uncomfortable. Not that it's my life ambition to make anyone uncomfortable.

I like to think about what I brought back with me from my trip to Israel* to visit my father, his wonderful wife, and my half brother. I brought back with me, as souvenirs, a much sharper political understanding of the region, a deeper respect for the diversity of culture and the educational sophistication of that nation, some amazing cheesy Christian holy water and Jesus relic souvenirs which have sadly been lost in the fire, time spent with family which was both wonderful as well as raggedly emotional, and the best thing of all?

The experience of eating pita bread as it is eaten by the people who have been making it for a thousand years at least. It is not a pocket bread as Americans generally think of it. It's a flat bread that is used to scoop food up with. You tear it into pieces and use it to scoop up your meze dishes like Baba ghanoush or lebneh drizzled with olive oil, and maybe you use it to slop up some of the juices from your inevitable lamb dishes.

When you bring home new food ideas from trips abroad they stay with you a lot longer than trinkets do. I came home, found a recipe for home made pita from Deborah Madison's book, and I've been making it for the last twelve years. Every time I make it I think of Israel. I think of my father, his wonderful wife who is beautifully practical and yet also creative, and I think of my half brother who grew up knowing he had at least a brother and a sister but was raised alone. He's a full grown man now and I wish I could have grown up nearer to him so we could have gotten to know each other. Every time I make pita I feel like telling him that I have not smoked a cigarette in over four years now.

Every time I make pita bread I also think about the Arab restaurants where I had this exquisite flat bread and experienced the meze table for the first time. It makes me think of how textured and rich the Arab culture is. It makes me sad that my country is busy gunning it down right now. As though all Arabs were savages. Our government is restricting the seed saving rights of the Arab people we are currently occupying. The seeds we grow say a lot about the culture we nurture just as the bread we make and eat does. You take that kind of autonomy away from a people and you destroy who they are.

I make pita and remember that Arabs, like all other people on earth, have a lot in common with me on a cellular level. They have traditions that are meaningful to them; they have a rich history; they have an amazing culture which deserves to be respected by us all.

I feel confident that even if Jesus wasn't part Arab himself, he most likely ate lots of pita and no Wonderbread. I'm not really into Jesus from a religious perspective, but I'm fascinated by the stories about him and the times he lived in and endlessly riveted by the clash between who he apparently was and how so many Christians are so personally worried about me believing in him but then they ignore everything he supposedly stood for. It's like watching a silent film in which Jesus is doing all manner of peaceful things but the dialog stills are putting these words in his mouth:

"Ye Arabs are hoarding oil and God hates you for that so I am going to bomb your asses until you give it all to me!!!!"

I like to think that bringing pieces of culinary and cultural knowledge home with us from our travels helps us all connect with each other and helps to foster a greater respect for each other across the globe.

Rhubarb Central

I picked the first harvest of rhubarb for Dominique. 1 1/2 pounds of it. As i cut the stalks I could smell the slightly acrid juice of it on the air. I could also detect, just under that slightly poisonous fume, a little hint of why people eat it: a little refreshing tangy whiff similar to a citrusy celery. (I say that as though it made sense.)

While I'm still not convinced that I'm going to enjoy eating this strange plant, I will confess that it was satisfying to hold the stalks in my hand, there was a weight to the smooth stalks that spoke of substance. Not only that, but they are undoubtedly pretty to look at. The plant itself is quite handsome, so I don't mind having it reside in my garden permanently. I partly respect this plant in my yard because Ken and Betty Meyers planted it here. They are the couple who had this house built. They and their three children are the only other people who have ever lived in this house. I enjoy that. When I see that rhubarb pop up I think of them and the meals they might have eaten with it. I'll take care of it for them even if I don't acquire a taste for it myself.

Besides, Dominique and Lisa E. both like it and I love to give my friends good stuff from my garden.

Yesterday was a mixed collection of hours in which I spent much of it in a very dark gloom. I went to work with a densely heavy heart because I let myself look up information about the war. But before I say anything else about that, I want to say that a customer bought two big Easter Baskets, and the last small one!! It makes me so happy that my baskets have not gone to waste. I really enjoyed planning them and putting them together.

I have a piece of information which many of you may not be aware of: The U.S. government has made it illegal for Iraqi farmers to save their own seeds. It may seem like a small little detail of no consequence when considering how many of their people we have already killed (a nebulous number, as I found out). Who cares about some seeds? What the law requires is that the Iraqi people buy all their seeds from approved U.S. sources. Want to guess what the approved sources are? Not from Seeds Of Change, that's for sure.

They are only allowed to buy seeds from those companies who sell seeds that cannot be legally saved. Those companies (huge corporations, if you weren't aware) who can sue you for letting a volunteer grow in your yard without paying for it. Seeds that are "protected" by law. Here's one link if you want to read more about it. If you do a search, you can find a lot of sources reporting on this one. Take your pick. It's not liberal hyperbole.

There is a whole lot more to this post that I have saved separately because I know no one will thank me for saying what's in my heart right now. I know that if I publish it people will be angry, indignant, hurt, and I will undoubtedly have to hear tirades that will make my heart even heavier than it already is.

Here is what I must say:

My country is not speaking for me. The troops are not speaking for me. Bombs and violence do not speak for me. Also: don't anyone tell me that our country is killing people on my behalf. Perhaps they do it on their own behalf, maybe even on yours, but not mine. My country has no right to involve my name in actions like this. I am a different kind of American.

I speak for myself. That's the kind of American I am.

BBQ Bob's Ghost Parts

(This post is surprisingly full of religious content and anti war sentiment. So read at your own risk.)

Pam Kitty Morning requested a shot of the window with the finished Easter baskets on display. See, I'm still not all that thrilled with my window dressing skills, but this is certainly better than the last version.

A while ago I bought these tiny crocheted baby booties to use as embellishments for presents but it turned out I didn't have any good wrapping paper to really set them off with. I think this worked out very nicely though. This is our new store wrapping paper. It has to be, because I had to buy it in a huge roll.

I can't help myself. Just had to share the pretty packages.

See anything wrong with this picture? Can you see why BBQ Bob might not be feeling his absolute best right now? I am tempted to wrap up his stump with a bloody looking bandage. Don't worry, I won't. I don't even have to ask why someone would steal a mannequin hand from Bob. Who wouldn't want to show off such a score to all their other drunk buddies? What could be more fun than running around with a mannequin hand? People with fiberglass body parts are always leaders of the pack. Dismembered hands are also babe magnets in case anyone out there didn't already know that.

That doesn't mean I'm not angry though. I don't know if I can get a replacement for it. Just in case anyone might be bristling at the sly implication that it was a male who stole Bob's hand, I just want to say that I am totally aware of how many stupid teen-age girls out there are not only capable of doing such a thing, but also ripe for such hi-jinks. As you all can imagine, I myself was a perfect specimen of teen-age innocence and you could have crowned me with a halo right there and then and let God impregnate me, I was that pure....

Beware: this post is about to take a surprisingly religious turn

Have I mentioned how creepy I think the whole concept of immaculate conception is? I'm not trying to ruin any one's breakfast, but c'mon, how much more lecherous can a spirit get? The Virgin Mary actually happens to be one of my favorite biblical characters. Probably because she had to have had some pretty big balls to have given birth in a barn in front of about two hundred people. I also love how beautiful she always is in religious art. Statues of her in Notre Dame in Paris are so delicate and ethereal that I almost broke down and cried when I saw them.

Seriously, this might offend some people: don't say I didn't warn you!

While I'm not religious myself and I do enjoy an irreverent attitude towards most religions, I have wanted a Virgin Mary in my garden for a long while. I collect religious art and love religious music. I am also attracted to old churches. To me, the most beautiful thing about religion isn't the worship of god stripped down to it's bare essentials. To me, the most beautiful thing about religion is to see it reflected in the hearts of the people who believe. To see their love in a statue, a painting, or the carvings in a cathedral. There you can see love blossoming on almost nothing but thirst itself. I think it's incredible what people have been inspired to make and build in worship, it pulls the most awe inspiring work out of artists.

God doesn't give gospel it's power, the people who are singing and believing while they're singing from the depths of their ragged dog-eared faith are what powers the music. God didn't make that music, the people did. God didn't write Mozart's music, Mozart wrote that music, sometimes inspired by God. God is the ultimate human muse.

I realize how much that may upset some Christians. But why shouldn't humans get the greatest of their inspirations, to make art and to live well, from the spirit they believe made all the tools they use?

It's amazing how I can turn a store update into a bitter political statement. This demonstrates my commitment to the joys of wandering conversations. If you hate anti-war sentiments, now would be an ideal time to exit this page.

Now we all need to listen to more classic Bob Dylan songs to remember the truth: that everyone thinks God is on their side in war. It will be impossible for me to ever embrace religion until humans stop using God as an excuse to control other people, kill them, torture them, rape them, and take their oil. Christians come to my door with their literature, wanting to draw me in, but all I can see are the great waves of violence that Christianity has been responsible for since the very beginning. Since right after Jesus was supposedly telling everyone about living a peaceful existence. About non violence.

For a messiah, his message was pretty spectacularly ignored.

I don't disrespect Christians, by the way. But I cannot pretend to be blind to the enormous contradictions inherent in that, and most, faiths. I am aware, however, that not all Christians support war. I know that not all Christians think it's alright to torture Arabs just because they worship differently. There are many Christians out there who's faith is much more aligned to the message Jesus was really trying to get out there. There are many Christians who feel as I do about war. Who want the same things in life that I do for myself and my family.

The exact same things apply to Islam. Not all Islamic people support war. Not all of them think it's righteous to torture American soldiers. Although, right now, and the longer we keep sending troupes over there, the fewer Arabs there will be who will be willing to sit next to Americans in peace. I can't blame them. The longer we keep this up, the more persistent and deserved future terrorism will become. And for this, for this future danger that Bush and all his men have set up for all of our children, I think he should not be impeached, but convicted of this war crime. Of aiding and abetting and building hatred of Americans to the point where we will never be safe again.

Because now, unless the American army plans to kill every last middle eastern person, hatred for what we have done will brew in new generations of orphans living in the oppressive shadow of the American strong arm. When will everyone see this? While American life on our own soil is deteriorating beneath the weight of heavy taxes, while our own ghettos become small desperate nations, while all the small businesses across the nation are systematically being swallowed up by corporate greed, we are making new ghettos in other people's countries.

And here we have the big-ass question:

Does no one here in America actually care about our own quality of life?

And here's my answer:

I do. I care very much about the food our country produces, the poisoning of our environment, the diseases we are fighting, the spreading divide between the rich and the poor, the education our children are (not)* receiving, the health care most of us cannot afford. We have so much to do in our own country, right here, right now.

I learned from a great U.S. history teacher named Dean Frasier that you can be both patriotic and also critical of your own country at the same time. I learned that patriotism isn't about blind faith in your leaders, it's about being able to think critically and be involved in change. It's about having pride in the best parts of your nationality, and about being willing to look at what isn't working and fight for what will work. You can be respectful of our troops while disagreeing with their mission.

When's the next peace march in Portland Oregon? I marched in San Francisco. I've signed every petition that comes my way. I've called my Senators and Congress people. I've written letters. I've spoken out. I've voted.

I guess the only thing left to do is hope.


*I don't have a personal complaint about the education Max is getting, because he's actually so far gone to great schools. But that's not the experience all parents are having.


Note: partly what steered this post into a political direction was because I was thinking about a great post over at Abby Try Again about ending the war. It was refreshing to hear someone say something about it. She has a great blog which is largely craft related, but sometimes she explores other topics she's interested in. For a lot of people it's an act of bravery to publicly state their political beliefs and I always admire people willing to put themselves out there. There has never been a more important time to get vocal.